Sunday, August 2, 2015

The Hipster Translation of the Book of Mormon

I was bored today, so I did this: The hipster translation of the Book of Mormon. I don't mean for this to be disrespectful to the Book of Mormon or the LDS faith, but just for a little creativeness sake. And taking out all the 'and it came to pass' is pretty nice too.

Hipster Translation of the Book of MormonThe Book of Mormon The Hipster translation


1 Nephi 1
[1] I, Nephi, having been created by awe-inspiring parents. So because of it, I was programed in all the education of my old man; and having seen much crap in the time of my life. However, having been highly respected of the master Lord in all my days; and having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the oddness of God. So I make a journal of my journeys in my days.
[2] So, I make a record in the language of my old man, which consists of the dogma of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians.
[3] And I know that the record, which I write right now, is totally legit; and I make it with mine own two hands; and I make it according to what I know.
[4] For it happened in the time of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, tsar of Judah, (my old man, Lehi, having lived at Jerusalem in all his life); and in that same year there came way too many prophets, telling everybody and holding up paper signs, that the people must tell God sorry, or the epic city of Jerusalem must be sent back to the stone age.
[5] So my old man, Lehi, as he went along, got down on his knees and prayed to the mighty Lord, yes, even with all his heart, in behalf of his kin.
[6] So as he prayed to the Lord, there came a bunch of fire and sat upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he freaked.
[7] So he returned to his own hut at Jerusalem; and he laid himself upon the toilet, being overcome with the holy Spirit and the wild, groovy things, he had seen.
[8] And being overcome with the Spirit, he was put in a episode, even that he saw heaven’s clouds open, and he thought he saw his master God sitting upon his super big, killer throne, surrounded with billions of angels in the attitude of singing and cheering on their God.
[9] So he saw One plunging out of the center of heaven, and he beheld that his style was above that of the sun at lunch-time.
[10] And he also saw twelve other dudes following him, and their glare did exceed that of the stars in outer space.
[11] And they came down and went out upon the face of the earth; and the first came and stood down by my old man, and gave to him some book, and told him to read it now.
[12] So as he read, he was filled with the Spirit.
[13] And he read, saying: Bad stuff will go down in Jerusalem, for I have seen my evildoers! Yes, and many things did my old man read regarding Jerusalem -- that it should be wiped off the map, and the residents inside; many should get whooped by the sword, and many should get kidnapped to the city of Babylon.
[14] So when my old man had read and seen many great and crazy things, he did yell out many things to the Lord; such as: Great and unbelievable is your works, Oh Lord God Massive! Thy authority is so high up, and your power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the people of earth, and, because you are so nice to me, you will not have hard times who come to you that they should get owned!
[15] And after this manner was the language of my old man in the cheering of his God; for his soul did get super happy, and his whole heart was filled with blood, because of the things which he had seen, which the Lord had shown to him.
[16] And now I, Nephi, do not make a full explanation of the things which my old man hath inscribed, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he predicted and talk to his offspring, of which I shall not make a full description.
[17] But I shall make an account of my events in my days. No, I make an summary of the record of my old man, upon metal plates which I have made with mine own two hands; So, after I have edited the record of my old man then will I make an version of mine own life.
[18] Therefore, I would that you should know, that after the Lord had shown so many stunning things to my old man, Lehi, concerning the annihilation of Jerusalem, now he went onward among the people, and began to predict and to declare to them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard.
[19] So the Jews did laugh and make fun of him because of the things which he swore of them; for he truly swore of their naughtiness and their eyesores; and he sworn that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, established plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the improvement of the world.
[20] And when the Jews heard these things they were pissed at him; yes, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had kicked out, and threw stones at, and killed; and they also wanted to kill him, that they might take life away. But now, I, Nephi, will show to you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even to the power of help.

1 Nephi 2

[1] For now, it came to pass that the Lord talk to my old man, you, even in a dream, and said to him: Good for you are thou Lehi, because of the things which thou hast done; and because thou hast been faithful and declared to this people the things which I commanded you, now, they seek to take away thy life.
[2] So the Lord commanded my old man, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the middle of the BFE.
[3] So he was obedient to the word of the Lord, So he did as the Lord commanded him.
[4] So he left into the wilderness. And he left his house, and the land of his inheritance, and his gold, and his silver, and his precious things, and took nothing with him, save it were his family, and provisions, and tents, and left into the wilderness.
[5] And he came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea; and he traveled in the wilderness in the borders which are nearer the Red Sea; and he did travel in the wilderness with his family, which consisted of my mother, Sariah, and my elder brothers, who were Laman, Lemuel, and Sam.
[6] So when he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water.
[7] So he built an altar of stones, and made an offering to the Lord, and gave thanks to the Lord our God.
[8] So he called the name of the river, Laman, and it emptied into the Red Sea; and the valley was in the borders near the mouth thereof.
[9] And when my old man saw that the waters of the river emptied into the fountain of the Red Sea, he talk to Laman, saying: O that thou mightest be like to this river, continually running into the fountain of all righteousness!
[10] And he also talk to Lemuel: Oh that thou mightiest be like to this valley, firm and strong, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord!
[11] Now this he talk because of the stupidness of Laman and Lemuel; for now they did murmur in many things against their old man, because he was a visionary man, and had led them out of the land of Jerusalem, to leave the land of their inheritance, and their gold, and their silver, and their precious things, to perish in the wilderness. And this they said he had done because of the foolish imaginations of his heart.
[12] And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their old man. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.
[13] Neither did they believe that Jerusalem, that great city, could be destroyed according to the words of the prophets. And they were like to the Jews who were at Jerusalem, who sought to take away the life of my old man.
[14] So my old man did speak to them in the valley of Lemuel, with power, being filled with the Spirit, until their frames did shake before him. And he did confound them, that they durst not utter against him; so, they did as he commanded them.
[15] And my old man hung out in his tent.
[16] So I, Nephi, being very much so young, however being very ripped and full of muscle, and also having great desires to know of the oddness of God, So, I did cry to the Lord; and now he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my old man; So, I did not rebel against him like to my brothers.
[17] And I talk to Sam, making known to him the things, which the Lord had manifested to me by his Holy Spirit. So he believed in my words.
[18] But, now, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken to my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried to the Lord for them.
[19] So the Lord talk to me, saying: Good for you are thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart.
[20] And inasmuch as you shall keep my commandments, you shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; you, even a land which I have prepared for you; you, a land which is choice above all other lands.
[21] And inasmuch as thy brothers shall rebel against you, they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.
[22] And inasmuch as thou shalt keep my commandments, thou shalt be made a ruler and a teacher over thy brothers.
[23] For now, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse them even with a sore curse, and they shall have no power over thy seed except they shall rebel against me also.
[24] And if it so be that they rebel against me, they shall be a scourge to thy seed, to stir them up in the ways of remembrance.

Hipster Mormon

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