Monday, November 30, 2015

My Experience Working for the Mormon Church Part 4

Part 4 From Betrayal to Freedom.

By this time my experience at the Church took a 180 degree turn for the worst. And it had all to do with betrayal, than with not getting hired full-time. By this time, about 8 months in the office, I no longer had work giving to me. Every Time I asked someone for work, they would tell me, “Huh, yeah, sure, let me give it to you when the time comes around….” They never did. It was the most passive aggressive place I’ve ever stepped foot in. And it all had to do with that time when I messed up on a few projects.

So asking was impossible to get work, so I just found work myself. My own grunt work, such as quality assurance of Making sure all the millions of pages had bad links. Not much room for growth there.

By this time my past work buddies all moved on to other companies, or departments and doing very well, such as Jo and Ellen. While I felt left behind and had no room for improvement and redemption. People altogether ignored me and left me in a rut.

So I found my own hours, and left it at that. My wife and I was struggling with money and even our marriage, because of all the worries and stresses of all of this. Every Time I applied for whatever job opening within the office, they would see my name and veto my chances. Not giving me any hope or chance, I felt like the black duck.

So I decided to network like crazy to get my portfolio up and running with great references from past employees i’ve worked with.

So I e-mailed the invite to many people within the Church department, including Ellen. However to my shock, she overlooked my portfolio and gave it a very harsh review, much like a food critic to a fast food joint. She told me that my past work was very “sub-par and childish” and that one of the projects I’ve help built for the Church that was featured on my portfolio, was against the law to show on my site as credit and how I should get arrested and disfellowshipped from the Church. I was shocked, and betrayed. She did gave me tips, but small ones that was overshadowed by all-aggressive tips of my “mediocre work”.

Ellen then topped it off by telling me that she won’t give me a letter of recommendation because we didn’t work together as much as we should, and how my work was weak, even if she and I did a few together months before.

The damage was done, pure rejection by means of a passive aggressive email. Dagger-meet-back. I felt horrible, worthless, inferior and lower than dirt. I left work and got on the bus home and felt like killing myself. Really, Ellen, Really. You were the same person months before that said that you will find a way to hire us on-calls by whatever means and then I offer you help and you stab me right in the back. Well played sister.

I looked elsewhere and found a few from past jobs, along with a few from people within the Church department I hardly worked or talked too. See, Ellen, See.

Anyways, the time came where I finally found a full-time opening with another company. I recalled jumping for joy as I packed my things up from my desk. My boss Ken said, “Good luck, now leave your badge on my desk”.

Not really a big ceremony but for me inside it was. As I rode on the bus home that afternoon feeling glad to finally work towards my career, I laughed as I recalled that time when I ran into a family member that warned me about the passive hostile environment at the Church Office Building. Then I didn’t understood, as I do now as I moved on in my life.

My first day at my new job I felt respected and useful for the first time in a year, as my desk had a brand new mac computer and plenty of teamwork and useful communication to go along with it.

It was hard but what do you expect where you add both Church and Office Building in one title.

The End!

My Experience Working for the Mormon Church Part 3

My story of Working for the Mormon Church Part: 3

Months past and not much happened in new openings for full-time employment. I, and many others like me, were stuck as part-time employees slowly losing hours since they were hiring too many on-call employees. Since Eddy became a full-time employee, I grew desperate in finding other work elsewhere.

Things didn’t get any better at the Church, in fact things grew worse. After having a few sleepless nights due to a newborn in the family, I got to work very tired and stressed.

There was work for me to do to gain what felt like more points for the LDS way of recruiting employees. I got to my now empty cubicle and did some work that Jo game me and another on-call. She pretty much gave it to us by e-mail and told us, “Whoever gets their half done first.” gets the moral award and my full respect. So it was all-out competition to the highest. Pretty much who ever got the job done the fastest for Jo was going to gain “points” for future chances of getting hired full-time the next time an opening comes along. Which was months at a time.

So I went into the Google Drive, and saw that this other on-call was already a few steps ahead of me. So I got started and jammed into the project. The project was like all the others, copy and paste number codes into a front-end WordPress-like system for It was dull, but in during this the videos on the site would show up and play for the users.

After a few hours I was able to get my half done around the same time as the other on-call, even if I started late in the race. I was very tired, but feeling great! I left work that day feeling better. It wasn’t all good since earlier that day I bombed another job interview for another company.

My confidence and pride once again crashed when I showed up to work a few days later when our department leader Ken, called me into an open office. I sat confused and worried about what the heck was going on. So Ken gave me the news.

He sat down across from me and told me that i’ve screwed up on a few projects the past few weeks. Mainly not telling me what projects, or from whom complained to him on my regard. I was shocked, feeling of why no one called me up for the mistakes when I was working on the projects and why they never told me by e-mail, or face-to-face afterwards.

Instead they wrote to Ken on the mistakes I made. Ken then told me to get my ass in gear and work better. I left work that day once again feeling low and useless.

A month later I was able to work hard in detail and communicate with my fellow full-time employees. I’ve also noticed how my work load was slowing down, and when I called out to them by e-mail, no one of the 20 full-time people would give me work.

So my work days were shortened from 7 hour days to 3. I was working less and making less since I was getting paid hourly. My wife just had a baby and surgery and we were struggling to make payments.

Issues with HR and the Church Financial Department

One day I got to work on a Monday finding my time cards of the past three weeks on my desk: REJECTED. As an on-call employee, you have to write up a weekly time card of the projects and hours you’ve worked. Then having it signed by both Ken and my team lead. Then handing it into the HR person, whom was as scary and mean as a cobra snake.

So this HR fellow decided to reject not one week’s time cards, but three! So the past three weeks I wasn’t paid. I was very upset and wanted to scream at the HR employee, whom decided to wait to inform me after three time cards before rejecting them all. I asked her why the forms were rejected and why it took three weeks to give me the news.

“You didn’t fill the forms right!” she said rudely, “So refill all three weeks and give them to me, you need to stop doing this!”

I was like, “What, ‘keep doing this’, it would of helped if you told me this two weeks ago, now my wife and I will have almost a month of no pay just after she had surgery and a newborn.”

She looked at me with a stink-eye look, without any care on my situation and barked, “Just hurry up and fill them for me!”

I went back to my desk and right away I filled them out and gave the time cards to her. I demanded to have them sent to the financial department, and Ken was able to do so, thus helping me get paid soon and not having to wait another week. A total of four weeks!

However, Ken was still not on my case and told me to just fill the forms right the first time. “That’s what I told HR, if she would of the first time, this would of never happened.” I said.

A few days later Ken came back and told me that he was able to get the financial department to forward my timecards late in the week, even if they were “Very annoyed and upset at me.” in the process. This made me feel less motivated about not only how Members of the Church ran things in HQ, but how the employees were starting to become.

It seemed the longer I worked at the LDS Church Office Building, the worst the true colors of it’s employees showed. I’ve started seeing the wall street, Washington style office politics and corruption. Let alone all the passive aggressive, backstabbing behavior and favoritism in the office.

I recalled a time I was sitting on a empty desk during a meeting on the 27th floor and a lady employee came in and rudely demanded me to get my ass off her chair. And another time where my team was holding a meeting in a board room and another team just walked in and started getting their things set up, even when my team wasn’t finished yet. They looked at us and demanded us to hurry up and leave. So instead of making a fuss, we left and finished our meeting in the hallway. Crazy, rude stuff like that.

However, there was another time that made me ill. I watched in horror one afternoon when my team leader yelled and swore over the phone to another on-call employee, then bashed and mocked the employee after hanging up the phone to other employees. I would hear dirt about other LDS clients and leaders curse, demand and behavior like dictators towards our team when timelines were not met. Like this was not some humble, Christ-like work, but more like some diva boss at a fashion magazine company in New York, or a third world sweat shop.

The employees around me in the breakroom became rude to me and very passive. Another thing that bothered me was the fact of how us on-calls felt mistreated. Such as when the department christmas luncheon took place, only full-time employees were invited. How much money the Church makes daily and how they never reveal it. Along with “saving money” by not hiring more full-time employees, and giving on-call employees old laptops with no Adobe Software. We had to do our photo edits and hard coding on third-party web browsers.

Lets not forget all the emails from employees of adding all the extra !!! and ALL CAPS over demands by means of emails. It got so bad that our department held a “Passive Aggressive 101” class to stop all this madness. But yet, the worst was still to come.

My Experience Working for the Mormon Church Part 2

My story of Working for the Mormon Church: Part 2

After working hard for a few months in the Church office building, a new kid came into the block. Let’s call him Eddy. Eddy was much like me, easy to work with and also an on-call (Since he was new). However, unlike me, Eddy wasn’t attending college for web development, and knew nothing about internet technology what-so-ever. He was hired mostly by word-of-mouth referral by another employee whom as his best friend. He was, however, learning web coding on the dime and I was the one that helped him with many tips. Not only with web tech, but the department as a whole.

After my team moved to another floor of the COB, we were all in tiny cubicles, yes, the worst kind of office claustrophobia there was. It felt like the movies where a man was at work punching in 9 to 5 in these isolated cubicles. And I was in one of these with my new work buddy Eddy. He was a rookie, even to me, but I was just graduating with a B.S. in Web Technologies. Along with four years of past on-the-job web experience. And over 7 years Graphic Design experience. While poor Eddy had nothing but the past 7 to 8 years of working at a pizza delivery. So after finally getting my degree, I was hoping to get hired full-time at the Church.

Another friend of mine in the company, let’s call her Ellen, was once a on-call employee like Eddy and Me, and many others, and now working full-time as a designer. She was so interested in Eddy’s thought and skill of points of views of the Church that she promised to make him and I “full-time within a month”. I was like, “Good luck with that” I didn’t say that out loud, but I was like, there were so many on-call part-time employees in the Church department that it would be impossible for both Eddy and I to go full time within a month, let alone a few years. Since, as I mentioned in part one of this article, the LDS Church has a crazy, competitive way of hiring people. If one of us got hired, it would most likely be me, since i’ve been at the department months longer than Eddy, with having more skills in the field and seniority. I felt bad for the kid, he had nothing on his resume, but boy was he a very bright and friendly fellow.

The weeks had past and work was hard and full of grunt. Because on-call employees had to beg the full-time employees for their grunt work of typing in numbers and Church stats, along with quality checking of One such full-timer was a beautiful and smart sister of the team, I’ll call her Jo. She had two master degrees in web tech, along with years of web and design skills. She even knew Latin, Arabic, German, and Hebrew. She was very smart and had a great position in the team. I was able to work with her a few times on a few hard projects that even she struggled with and I was able to get the issue fixed. This blew her away and she became so willing to give me more work, and less grunt like the others. With Jo, I was able to work on some designing samples of the sites, along with reaching out beyond my skills. I loved working with her because I felt smart and needed.

The time had come where another job opened. Ding, ding ding, apply now minions! All by Ellen, who went over to another department in the Church Office Building. She was missed, but I also kept her words of hoping to give good word of having me soon became a full-time employee.

So as always when an opening comes by means of replacement, the on-calls jump on it like a pack of wild wolves. I and Eddy were ones that applied, and pretty much all of the on-calls on our team, which were 10.

The day came where our manager Ken, interviewed us each for the position. I went in around 1pm and went inside a small, humid and crowded room for the interview. I was freaked out because Ken was the one to conduct the interview, and he not only asked crazy, odd questions, but he and I never really click. He reminded me of a bishop of a ward I was serving in during my LDS mission days. Where one day the bishop would smile and wave to me when I walked into the chapel, while another day he would just ignore me and not wave. Ken was a strange fellow to understand, and as a manager that held this troubling trait, it made the interview process harder. So I went in to the interrogation room. Ken stood across from me, along with Jo, along with Ellen, along with my past team lead from my earlier days in the department. There were ten people interviewing me!

So I sat down and felt I did one of the finest interviews in my life. I walked out of that room feeling like I got the job. They acted impressed with not only my skills in web, but by my openness to learn new things.

I went home that day feeling good about my chances for a second interview. Life was going my way. I just had another child with my wife, we were living in a lovely townhouse and I was graduated with a degree! I was the man!

However, it wasn’t long until my hopes fell crashing down. That next week I went to work and right away got an email from Ken regarding the hiring process of Ellen’s old job. It told me that I didn’t made the cut. I felt like a pee-wee football player that was cut from the team after working so hard in try-outs. It was very painful. I left work later that day feeling as if all my hopes and dreams of my career was sucker punched out of my gut. I didn’t even made the second round! In fact, most of the people that did were other full-timers from the other departments within the massive Mormon Church inc. Only a small handful of my fellow underdog on-calls made the cut, including rookie Eddy, the pizza guy that knew nothing of web a month before.

This bothered me greatly! How unfair it was for so many people. I was cut for the second interview while Eddy, the guy who’s been in the team way less than most of us, and former delivery boy, made the second round. I tried not to let this bother me, but it did. I felt very down on my self esteem more than any other time at all the jobs i’ve worked at in my life.

It hurt very bad and I felt betrayed by my team. They didn’t really say what was the issue, only the topic of how I would answer questions too fast? Yes, how I was quick to answer. It had nothing to do with skills, talent, past experience, referrals and positive outlook from Jo and a few others in that interview that I worked hard for. It had all to do with how nice you were and how you answer the questions.

I understood that answering questions in an interview is key. However, the questions in that interview hardly had anything to do with the position at all. It were testimony based ones. It was mainly how you feel when doing the work and watching and reading the content from the site. And so sooner or later they found their man with more of a spirit than me, it was Eddy.

And he started his full-time employment ahead of me, and about 20 on-calls that had been on the office months, or years longer. That’s when I knew for sure that there was no way I was going to get a full-time job at the Church. To help my moral and support for my family, I knew that I had to search intensely for other companies. Since they were less competitive in hiring full time employees.

My Experience Working for the Mormon Church Part 1

My Experience Working for the Mormon Church was a hard, negative experience that I hope I’ll never have to repeat in any corporate office again in my lifetime. And when I say ‘corporate’, I mean it. The Church Office Building (The corny on the COB) in Salt Lake City is the headquarters of the LDS “Mormon Church” and it’s a huge corporate business building. It’s a giant white stone, massive building that dominates the skyline, even more than the state capital. Lets not forget all the many other Church offices around the valley.

Church office biulding

I worked on one of the highest floors, it was a lovely view of the Salt Lake Valley from my office and the thought of working on such a sweet view was a big accomplishment. Before I started working at the COB, I ran into a family member who has spent a few decades working at the Church in another department. I asked him what it’s like working for the LDS Church. “Guess, what, I’m starting in a few days!” I said in excitement. He shook his head and said,

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

My jaw dropped as he told me that working for the Church wasn’t as it cracked up to be, and that it runs more like Wall Street than a Church. He was happy to hear I had work. However, he seemed almost worried about my chances of not only fitting in and moving up the “corporate broken latter”, but also dealing with hard office politics, micromanagement and passive aggression that don’t belong at any Church. So you ask? Why did I apply to work for a Church business? Well, I’ve been a member of the Mormon Faith since I was 8, but that is another story that I’ll write in in this blog later. I was almost done with college and was happily married living in the valley. I heard that the Church was hiring on-calls (Their fancy word for interns, and their way of saving money) so I went for the opening. I remember my job interview; it was a very high pressure meeting that felt more like I was applying for an executive position at Google than some part-time, on-call position. The man that interview me, lets call him, Ken (to hide his identity), was the manager of the department I was being interviewed for. Ken did a very good job at terrifying me stupid. He asked me questions regarding Church related issues.

“So, if the second coming of Jesus happens 300 years from now and we have colonized space, would it still take place on Earth?”

I thought, “I don’t know, maybe Michael Bay or Christopher Nolan could make a film about that, that be funky with plot and crazy explosions.” Good question, but very odd and random. I responded that if it did, Jesus would tell us to get all our human asses back to Earth so he can hang out with us here. I didn’t say that in those words, but that’s what I was meaning. Or better yet, I should write the movie storyline, and the tagline should be,

“Elder Karl did not sign up to travel 5,500 light years to Earth, and miss the second coming due to relativity.”

I’d better get Neil deGrasse Tyson to help me, because I don’t think this hard science plot would work. I walked out of that interview knowing I wasn’t getting hired, but I didn’t really care. Why would I want to work for the Church anyway? So a week passed and I got hired. Low pay, 20 hours-a-week, but whatever, it was a job and I took it. The job started out very good. Everyone in my team was very friendly and down-to-earth. Ken, that rock-hard, zone leader-like manager of my department seemed loosened up with me, even if he was a very emotionless fellow. Like for example, I recalled one time after an one-on-one interview with Ken months later. I wanted to make him laugh for once so I mentioned a moment of General Conference where a speaker kept waving an ignoring buzzing fly away from his face, and I compared it to satan. Ken just looks at me like, “What the hell are you talking about?” So it started out fun, but corny.

However, after the months after my first day I’ve started to see issues in the Church system. Mostly their way of hiring people and saving money. Yes, I mean it; the Church is worried about spending money. I was one of many on-calls employees that work part-time with no benefits and very little pay, no desk at first, old laptops without any adobe softwares to use. On-calls out number the full-time employees 20-1 in the departments and it became a zoo. The only way to get hired full-time at the Mormon Church HQ is to start as an on-call, or intern. Then jump at a rare opportunity of a job opening where a full time employee leaves the position. Every time this happens, it was all competition of a hierarchy. Yes, the Church runs like wall street. It’s all a capitalist bureaucracy business and less like a christ-centered Church. Was Jesus a capitalist?

So when the time came with the full-time job opening (This happens once every two to four months) all the on-calls jump after this opening like wild animals after one small chicken drumstick. I’ve applied for the first time to a job opening, and didn’t get hired. In fact, none of the 30 on calls got hired, because they decided to hire another full-time employee for the position. Yes, that’s right, full-time employees apply for these opening also, and giving them a great advantage over the inferior crowd. Like Duke, or Kentucky winning March Madness. That’s when I decided that I wanted out of working for Mormon HQ, but I had nothing else. I was applying for jobs everywhere and no one was hiring. It wasn’t long until I just bit the bone and kept with their system, but after a few months, things got worst.

My Experience Working for the Mormon Church Part 2

When A Former Bishop gets in your Personal Life

How a Former Bishop of my Home Ward got into my families Business

Years ago when I was 19 years old, I was invited to a mission farewell from a former bishop of my home ward. His oldest son was going on an LDS mission. So after church I walked over to the house. Thinking that it was going to be a nice farewell mingle with the missionary going out on a LDS mission. But I was wrong.

I met the father in the back yard, while everyone else was already inside the house. I thought it was awkward and strange having just us two sitting in the backyard while the 'party' was inside. The family inside the house was watching from inside. Like something was going to go down. So the man, of whom I knew little, at first talked about how I was doing and how my future mission plans were going. I was planning on going on a mission soon and he was interested, yet troubled by it. So after about 5 minutes of chatting about my mission plans, he decided to bring up the true reason why I was over. He said to me:

"Brother, I know that you want to serve an LDS mission like my son, but I feel that you are not worthy."

I was like, "wha.."

He went on..."I know you are a good person and all. Yet, I have a non-member friend in the ward who believes you swore at the other day?"

"What, who is this?" I was shocked. But then I realized why I was invited over to his house in private. While the rest of the family and friends stayed inside the house.

I was upset, but didn't want to make things even more odd. And so I told him that it was my older brother that got upset at his non-mormon friend the other day. It was a road rage incident where my older brother was pulling out of the driveway. And the lady in a giant SUV zoomed by, almost hitting him. So he followed her and told her off, nothing more.

"So, now she won't come to church. Because she feels that a soon-to-be missionary of the church chased her down and yelled at her." He said. "She is a kind lady, and would make a great member of the church, but now I feel that your brother ruined it. I will have to give your brother a call on the matter."

She wasn't a kind lady, in fact. She was insane. She hated my mother for what-ever reason. And from my brothers account, tried to run him off the road as he pulled out. But, that's besides the point.

The former bishop believed my story, I think. And finally he let me go peace. It was awkward walking away while the people inside the house kept looking at me. Like I was a horrible person or something.

I walked home and told me parents, and they didn't take it well at all.

I thought it was a strange story. But I feel that this former bishop, thought or wanted to still be the bishop of the ward. And wanted to get into other peoples business.

His son returned home from the MTC two weeks later for what-ever reason and never returned.

Crazy MTC Stories: Almost getting murdered in my sleep!

The Crazy MTC Stories of life and death!

This is a true story, and one of many crazy tales from missionaries, leaders and members of the LDS church. I thought it was funny how the closest I ever got in my life of getting a stabbed in the chest was at the MTC!

Way back when I was an missionary from the LDS church. I was Serving 3 weeks-to-life at the Provo Missionary Training Center (MTC). I almost got stabbed to death in my sleep by a fellow Mormon missionary! True fact! I, along with 3 other roommates were just about ready to go to bed in our MTC dorm for the night. Yet, we started to fear for our lives!

“That new elder in our group is insane!” The district Leader said. “I think he is going to kill us in our sleep or something!”

I thought the 3 other elders were crazy at first, but next thing I knew I felt the same. This new elder in the group came in a few days before this event took place. He was an ex-military and was at one point an 'anti-mormon'. He also suffered with bi-polar issues and acted odd around us. This crazy elder was staying in another dorm down the hall. So we felt like this elder was going to stab us, or someone else at the MTC.

So all 4 of us went to bed and woke up alive. The crazy missionary soon left the district and served with other elders in the MTC.

I left to serve my mission and a few months later the 3 elders came up to me during a zone meeting and said.

“Dude, remember that crazy missionary that thought of killing us in our sleep!”
“Yeah, he was nuts, what about him?” I said.
“Well, after we left Provo he soon got kicked out of the MTC. And arrested because he tried to stab his companion in his sleep!”

I asked myself since then; How on earth did this missionary made it that far? Why did his bishop or Stake President from his home town stop him before going to the MTC? He was out of his mind and unstable. Sadly, not the only missionary that I met during the two years of service that I faced that had the same issues.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Mormon Church Ball Horror Stories

The only fight that begins with a prayer!

I hate church ball! I've played in a few games during the years and found it even more violent than most R-rated films the ward leaders told us to avoid.
I also noticed that there are rules for 'no dunking the ball', but not one rule about 'running up the score'. I've been in church ball games on both ends of the score board. Winning by 60-80 points and losing by 60-80 points. Each time I would find only anger when one player tries to score a personal record. Hitting buzzer beaters, elbowing faces. Then at the end of the game, comes over to shake hands. I wanted to punch him in the face, but I held back.

Once my wife came one in tears. Because her and her ward volleyball team was kicked out of the stake center gym by another team that wanted to have the entire gym for themselves. I wanted to storm over to that snotty group of girls and raise hell. But I knew that wouldn't be, 'christlike' no would it. But what is anymore?

Do you have any funny church ball stories of fights? Comment below.

Church ball

Flights at my LDS home ward growing up

lds mormon church bullying
Hey, you inferior ones, go to Sunday-school with me... 

Going to church was hell for me growing up! To simply sum it up that way, HELL! And where I found that it was safer for me going to school than church, that says something odd about the "by their fruits" system.
I and my family was also bullied from fellow Mormon church members in our home ward in South Jordan, Utah for years until we finally moved after 5 years.

There were many cases of bullying my brother and I faced every week at church that I will state in this blog, but here are a few funny and crazy ones I can write on this article now.

One incident I got mooned! Yes, when my brother and I was walking out of the church building after serving our time at church, a group of kids a little older than us that were in the elders quorum drove by and two inside the car mooned us, bearing their ultra-white asses! I've never had a mooning since, funny that it was at church.

Another only had church moment when I was young was when there was a 5th Sunday meeting. Where the entire ward met during the third hour in the chapel. I was by my self on a pew, and a group of kids sat next to me. I, by mistake bumped my elbow by mistake at the kid next to me, and he responded by full-out punching me! It was a very hard punch, and that me state that I served my time in Junior high and never gotten punch by another kid. Except at a Mormon church. How ironic.

Scout camps also sucked growing up. The LDS church in Utahard use the Boy Scouts of America and i'm sure it's awkward for non-members to attend Scouts as a kid, yes? I would always get peed on very time. When I was sleeping, right on my sleeping bag, or on my tent in the middle of the night. The reason why i soon left Scouts because everyone were punks.

Strait outta Caucasian Compton!

It was common to see fights at church in the halls or in the classrooms. By my peers growing up. Full out pushing and fist fights!

Do you have any stories of Mormon Church fights? Comment below.

My experience facing a rude LDS church parking garage entrance gate employee

You, shaw not, pass!

Rude lds church employee gate keeper
Hey, you mortal, don't pass the gate!
One afternoon in Salt Lake City, my girlfriend invited me to her best friend's wedding at the Salt Lake Temple. So I drove my car into the underground parking garage underneath the Main street plaza/LDS church office building to find a place to park.
I entered the parking garage entrance gate and a middle age man was inside the booth. He was dressed in a white shite and tie, and a suit, as all LDS church employees wear.  So I pulled over to hopefully find a parking spot so I could meet my girlfriend on time.
However, the church employee at the booth was very rude and wouldn't let me enter. I was from out-of-town, so I had no clue where to park in the city, and people told me to use the underground parking garages under main street. This is how our little conversation went:

"Hello, I'm here for a wedding, can I park my car here?" I asked.
"Sure you can.............But I don't see a parking pass inside your dashboard!"
"Okay, so where can I park this car?"
"Well, NOT IN HERE, or i'll call the police and have your car towed!" He rudely stated. That's what I was trying to state, where can I park elsewhere near by.
"Turn around now, and park at the Crossroads Mall." (Where City Creek Center is now).

So I left feeling stupid and useless. I finally found a parking spot elsewhere in another parking garage, but was upset at that rude LDS church employee that had some God complex or something.
Years later when visiting my wife's grandma who lived in downtown, told us about a 'very rude' church employee at the parking garage entrance gate, and turned out it was that same employee.
I laughed, go figure. I hate it when there are those mormon bullies, mostly those self-righteous ones in some form of LDS employment that have some form of self-pride for being a member, or working for the church. And this was before I worked a year for the LDS church.

Do you have any crazy stories of rude church employees? Comment below
Or read some other funny stories from this blog.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Racism in the Mormon Temple

I knew a very nice, humble and kind young hispanic lady once when I was attending a Mormon church in the southern Salt Lake Valley.

Racism in the Mormon Temple, Face palm Jesus mode

The lady was recently divorced and had a baby boy with her. She told me of her struggle with her past marriage with her ex husband and how him and his family (Mostly his father) would verbally be-little and abused her because of her race.  Even telling her in the celestial room of the Salt Lake Temple during her sealing, that "You will not go to the celestial kingdom with my son, because you are of the lesser race that have a mark placed because of the sins of your forefathers. Completely uncalled for. When I heard this story, I tried to hold back my anger and feeling, but all I said was, "Good thing you are not put of that Mormon zealot family anymore!" Reminds me of what my mother went through when we first moved to Utah when I was little and when my mother joined the church.
I felt bad that lady had to go through that, and how they are not paying child support for the baby, or supporting him in anyway. All because of a family that still believes its the 1600s.
I hate racism, but I extremely hate racism when it's church, or God based. People, MORMONS, lets stop this now. This evil judging of others has to stop now!

Want to share your Mormon racism story? Please share below in the comments:

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

How a Mormon Missionary ruined our summer vacation

So my wife and I, along with our kids, decided to go on a vacation to the west coast to take some time off. We've had a stressful few months how it was, and we wanted to get away from all the stress of everyday life. So we went out on a family vacation and it was relaxing, fun and fulfilling.
However, Sunday came and we decided to visit an LDS ward in the town we were staying in. It seems like every time we are out-of-town, whenever we visit a ward, it turns out to be a negative experience. When we visited Hawaii during our honeymoon years ago, we visited a LDS ward there and everyone was moody (Even in paradise) and in Sunday school the members almost got into a fist fight over a discussion. So maybe, we thought, this time we would finally have a lovely sabbath day on our vacation.
So we went into the church and walked in their our kids and sat down. Then a set of LDS missionaries sat in the row in front of us. We were like, "cool,missionaries!" because we are from Utah and we don't see missionaries in our ward ever. However, this turned out to not be a blessing on our part.

The struggles with autistic kids at church

My kids have autism, and every sacrament meeting is a battle where the kids scream, shout, scrum and wiggle all hour and I can feel the eye balls and heads turned our way. We take the kids out when things get very bad, but this day, the kids were pretty behaved. Sacrament started and one of my kids giggled and talked off and on through out. Nothing really bad happened that day, the kids were great. However, my youngest was a little loud, and the missionaries in front of us kept looking back at us.
So I took the baby out and walked around the church for a few minutes. Then I went back and my youngest kid kept laughing and chatting away. Then I went out again, but when I came back, my wife started to walk out of the chapel, and took the kid from me and walked out. I sat down and sacrament ended finally. (It was the coldest church meeting i've ever been too, they for some stupid reason decide to turn up the AC to 35 degrees F and it was horrible). However, my wife was gone and I walked around the entire church and couldn't find her anywhere.
After Sunday School we decided to leave, because I found my wife and she was a mess.  Turns out that one of the elders that sat in front of us, wrote her a passive aggressive message on his i-pads (Elders get i-pads now days?) and handed it to her and it said: "Please shut up your loud kid, i'm trying to feel the spirit, but I can't because your kid is very loud. Take him out now!!"
I was very upset and wanted to find this entailed elder d-bag and punch him in the face. But by then we were back at the condo.
My wife was in tears and told me that she walked out of sacrament feeling stupid, worthless and felt like a bad mother. I was very upset because I was able to take our kid out trice and that stupid elder still had a fuss. His name was Elder White by the way, and Elder, you are a idiot.
So we left that ward feeling un welcomed and wronged, not only because our kids suffer from autism, but the fact that our kids did pretty well anyways that day, and still that elder ended up speaking his PA mind. Anyways, the rest of our vacation we tried not to worry, but we both felt like we were bad parents and that going to church with autistic children is impossible. So thanks a lot, Elder White, for summing up our struggle at church. We are trying very hard to make the ward members around us not hear our kids cry during sacrament and take them out in the lobby as much as we can. So, maybe when you return home and have kids yourself, you will understand.

Share your story of struggles with autistic kids at church?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Most Epic, Funniest BYU story of all-time!

So you ask, what is the the most epic, craziest, funniest BYU story of all-time! Well, my friend. I have one in my brain, and I'm gonna write it on here blog!
When I was living in Utah County, I knew someone in my ward that was a marriage councilor at BYU Provo. She had all kinds of crazy, young, horny BYU newly weds come in her office and tell her their story. But one stood up above all!

Funny BYU Stories
The below story about a newly wed BYU couple is Real, no joke!

So a young, newly wed BYU couple walked into her office one day to talk. They have been married for over a year and want a baby. They have been trying for months to have a baby, but she can't get pregnant for gosh sakes! So the councilor I knew chatted with them and set appointments with them and how this was troubling them so. After a few weeks she asked them more details of their sexual behavior and ways in the bedroom. The young couple then told them how frustrated they were about sex, even more than trying to have a baby. So they told the councilor the shocking, insane details of their odd sex life.
The man then stated how they were having sex, or trying. He said that they were having "sex" by sitting on the bed nude and rubbing each-others chest together hard. During so the wife would say, "This is so painful, my boobs hurt!" and the guy would get upset and say, "Stop complaining babe, this is how sex works!" So after hearing this, the councilor, whom mostly likely had the biggest face palm in human history, had to educate the couple on how to "really" have sex, and thus, have a baby.
I can imagine the guy thinking to himself, "So thats why stuff comes out down there."
Poor young, newly wed BYU couple, so naive about the world around them, even basic sex for the love of Brigham.

So do you have funny BYU coEd stories to share? Comment below and see if your story tops this one!

If Joseph Smith was wrong, i'd go to hell with him!

Sister missionaries say the darnedest things sometimes. In fact, I heard a bunch during my sentence as a LDS missionary that should very well become a TV show hosted by Bill Cosby! I'd watch that show and maybe like them on Facebook. One such zone conference topped it all with such crazy words from our fellow sisters of Zion.
I was with my fellow elders sitting in the back row, goofing of and chatting about life as other missionaries were called to stand up front and give their testimonies. One sister missionary stood up and gave hers. Not to be mean, she was a sweetheart sister that had a very strong testimony and was an all-out good human being, but what she said in her testimony made my very soul to shake and state: "We work in the same church, right?"

If Joseph Smith was wrong
T'is Hell fire, sista.
The funny Sister Missionary testimony

So this sweet sister missionary got up and bore her testimony, I quote: "I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, I love brother Joseph so, so, so much, that if he ended up lying, and wasn't a prophet, I would still love to be with him, even in hell!" The zone leader elder next to me tried to hold back the laughter. I was like, WTF?
After that meeting we went out tracting door-to-door, and I was like, I've only been out a few weeks, will I get crazy like that! Hopefully not.

Share some of your funny stories from fellow Sister Missionaries in the comment below.

Monday, August 10, 2015

When a Missionary swears at a LDS General Authorities

So there was was, fresh and green in the mission field. Serving in the big, hot city. I was at the time a innocent mormon missionary with high hopes of the work and feeling that all, or most, missionaries were as innocent as me?
But my arrogant point of view changed one day during a mission zone conference, when a visiting LDS church General Authority (of the 70) came to visit my mission.

Meeting a LDS General Authority

After the mission president talked to us for what felt like hours, the General Authority got up and spoke to us more hours more. After the GA talked, or drilled to us the importance of the missionary white handbook, he invited all of us elders and sisters to walk up to the stand in the chapel and shake his hand.
I was like, "Yes, I've only been out about a month and i'm already meeting a church General Authority....of the First Quorum of the Seventy! So I got up, waited my turn to meet him and his wife. However, there was a elder in front of me that got to the GA first. The General Authority looked at this elder, smiled and asked, "What is your name elder?" The arrogant missionary, who's been out around 18 months, looked up at the GA and rudely stats, "You can read my name tag, can you!" and walks on. He also did the same thing to the GA's wife.
Afterwards, the QA met into that same rude elder and told him off on his un-christlike ways. And the elder responded by saying: "Hell, we had to suffer your drill sergeant talk for hours, so don't worry about it, go to hell!" and walks off.

What are some of your crazy Missionary stories?

Do you have any crazy LDS missionary stories you would love to tell? Or stories likewise to the one above? Please comment below and share.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

LDS Singles Ward, 90210

lds singles ward love

The Joys (and horriors) of a LDS singles ward!

I've attended a Mormon young single adult ward (YSA) for many years until I got hitched myself. However, along the way I've had some pretty interesting experiences at the singles ward that make me glad to be in a normal, family ward today. 

Some of my experience at the Singles ward!

One day I walked into my crazy, jam packed singles ward in the southern part of the Salt Lake Valley. I was lucky to find a seat in the soft pews, sandwich between two big, horny return missionary elders such as my self. Just one giant, young men, horny deli sandwich.
So as church started some people were still making it into the chapel. I then looked ahead and saw one RM dude a few rows ahead of me, between 4 or 5, young, sexy blond LDS women. I kept an eye on this mormon playa and wonder how he got all the ladies. Then a few minutes past and another, young, pretty blond came rushing in from the back of the chapel. Walked right past the pew with the man and his ladies and I could tell she was upset at this man by the way she was looking at him as she walked towards the row. She then angry smacked her purse at the back of the wooden pew where the ladies and the guy, maybe her ex or something, and walked on to the front.
The sound of a THUD!! echoed throughout the chapel and a few people around me also saw this and chuckled. I would of love to here this backstory, but maybe I already knew.

There was another singles ward where I attended where the bishop would get up and tell all the ladies to hurry up and get married already! And he told all the single ladies that:

"If you want to marry a doctor, go hang out around the hospital, if you want to marry a lawyer, hang out around the library."
-LDS YSA Ward Bishop
When I heard that, I was like, "What the frickin heck, gosh! You don't marry someone by their profession, you marry someone by the content of their character. Just saying.

Straight Outta singles ward mormon
The 'Graduation Ceremony' of my Singles ward

Another thing about this giant singles ward of the southern SL valley was the "Graduation Ceremony" that took place in sacrament every week. What do you mean, you ask?  Well, every week they were a few new enragements within the ward, and the bishop had everyone of them get up before the passing of the sacrament to "boast" or brag about how they are getting married, and how, "The singles ward thing does work." It was very entertaining to say the least, as every time, dudes around me, about the kind that ranked 1 out of five stars on the RM recruiter ranking on, would groan. One week they were about 6 couples that got up, 6! And one of them got up and yelled at the mic, "I scored Tiffany!!" and went back to seat down. I was like, "Oh Brother, what the hell i'm I doing here. This is worst than BYU". 

Share your stories in a YSA Ward.

If you have any hilarious, wild, and downright awkward to believe stories of a LDS singles ward, then feel free to comment below. I would love to have them on this site for all of our pleasure.

LDS singles ward stories

Monday, August 3, 2015

How Sister Missionaries Turned Water into Gasoline

What happens if you are out of gas, and it's a Sunday?

While I was serving a LDS mission ten years ago. My mission president (Or petty officer) loved the sister missionaries more than us elders. He would always praise the sisters and leave us elders in the dust. Thinking sister missionaries worked harder, were more holier and smarter than the elders.
However, one day I overheard a story that changed all that.
One day before a stake conference, a set of sister missionaries were excited to get into their car and drive to the stake conference meeting, about 10 miles away. However, they couldn't start their car, because it was out of gas.
Sister missionaries mormon stories

So, knowing it was Sunday and they couldn't break the holy sabbath by buying gas at the near by gas station. They thought of a loop hole. So they felt inspired to put water in the gas tank and pray to turn the water into fuel. So they grabbed the garden hose and stuck it up the gas tank and filled 'r up. So after a few minutes, their tank was filled with h2o goodness. The sisters then went into their car and prayed that the water in their tank would become Fossil fuel! Heck, Jesus turned water into wine, why not sister missionaries!
So after ten minutes of trying to turn the car on, it wasn't not working. So they gave up and phoned the mission president. And he was pissed!
So after that day my mission president no longer treated sisters better than elders, however, he treated the two as the same form now on.
Sister missionaries water hose
Don't know if this story is true or not, but it's still pretty funny every time I hear it. It's a classic pro-elder missionary folk lore.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

The Hipster Translation of the Book of Mormon

I was bored today, so I did this: The hipster translation of the Book of Mormon. I don't mean for this to be disrespectful to the Book of Mormon or the LDS faith, but just for a little creativeness sake. And taking out all the 'and it came to pass' is pretty nice too.

Hipster Translation of the Book of MormonThe Book of Mormon The Hipster translation


1 Nephi 1
[1] I, Nephi, having been created by awe-inspiring parents. So because of it, I was programed in all the education of my old man; and having seen much crap in the time of my life. However, having been highly respected of the master Lord in all my days; and having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the oddness of God. So I make a journal of my journeys in my days.
[2] So, I make a record in the language of my old man, which consists of the dogma of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians.
[3] And I know that the record, which I write right now, is totally legit; and I make it with mine own two hands; and I make it according to what I know.
[4] For it happened in the time of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, tsar of Judah, (my old man, Lehi, having lived at Jerusalem in all his life); and in that same year there came way too many prophets, telling everybody and holding up paper signs, that the people must tell God sorry, or the epic city of Jerusalem must be sent back to the stone age.
[5] So my old man, Lehi, as he went along, got down on his knees and prayed to the mighty Lord, yes, even with all his heart, in behalf of his kin.
[6] So as he prayed to the Lord, there came a bunch of fire and sat upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he freaked.
[7] So he returned to his own hut at Jerusalem; and he laid himself upon the toilet, being overcome with the holy Spirit and the wild, groovy things, he had seen.
[8] And being overcome with the Spirit, he was put in a episode, even that he saw heaven’s clouds open, and he thought he saw his master God sitting upon his super big, killer throne, surrounded with billions of angels in the attitude of singing and cheering on their God.
[9] So he saw One plunging out of the center of heaven, and he beheld that his style was above that of the sun at lunch-time.
[10] And he also saw twelve other dudes following him, and their glare did exceed that of the stars in outer space.
[11] And they came down and went out upon the face of the earth; and the first came and stood down by my old man, and gave to him some book, and told him to read it now.
[12] So as he read, he was filled with the Spirit.
[13] And he read, saying: Bad stuff will go down in Jerusalem, for I have seen my evildoers! Yes, and many things did my old man read regarding Jerusalem -- that it should be wiped off the map, and the residents inside; many should get whooped by the sword, and many should get kidnapped to the city of Babylon.
[14] So when my old man had read and seen many great and crazy things, he did yell out many things to the Lord; such as: Great and unbelievable is your works, Oh Lord God Massive! Thy authority is so high up, and your power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the people of earth, and, because you are so nice to me, you will not have hard times who come to you that they should get owned!
[15] And after this manner was the language of my old man in the cheering of his God; for his soul did get super happy, and his whole heart was filled with blood, because of the things which he had seen, which the Lord had shown to him.
[16] And now I, Nephi, do not make a full explanation of the things which my old man hath inscribed, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he predicted and talk to his offspring, of which I shall not make a full description.
[17] But I shall make an account of my events in my days. No, I make an summary of the record of my old man, upon metal plates which I have made with mine own two hands; So, after I have edited the record of my old man then will I make an version of mine own life.
[18] Therefore, I would that you should know, that after the Lord had shown so many stunning things to my old man, Lehi, concerning the annihilation of Jerusalem, now he went onward among the people, and began to predict and to declare to them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard.
[19] So the Jews did laugh and make fun of him because of the things which he swore of them; for he truly swore of their naughtiness and their eyesores; and he sworn that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, established plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the improvement of the world.
[20] And when the Jews heard these things they were pissed at him; yes, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had kicked out, and threw stones at, and killed; and they also wanted to kill him, that they might take life away. But now, I, Nephi, will show to you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even to the power of help.

1 Nephi 2

[1] For now, it came to pass that the Lord talk to my old man, you, even in a dream, and said to him: Good for you are thou Lehi, because of the things which thou hast done; and because thou hast been faithful and declared to this people the things which I commanded you, now, they seek to take away thy life.
[2] So the Lord commanded my old man, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the middle of the BFE.
[3] So he was obedient to the word of the Lord, So he did as the Lord commanded him.
[4] So he left into the wilderness. And he left his house, and the land of his inheritance, and his gold, and his silver, and his precious things, and took nothing with him, save it were his family, and provisions, and tents, and left into the wilderness.
[5] And he came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea; and he traveled in the wilderness in the borders which are nearer the Red Sea; and he did travel in the wilderness with his family, which consisted of my mother, Sariah, and my elder brothers, who were Laman, Lemuel, and Sam.
[6] So when he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water.
[7] So he built an altar of stones, and made an offering to the Lord, and gave thanks to the Lord our God.
[8] So he called the name of the river, Laman, and it emptied into the Red Sea; and the valley was in the borders near the mouth thereof.
[9] And when my old man saw that the waters of the river emptied into the fountain of the Red Sea, he talk to Laman, saying: O that thou mightest be like to this river, continually running into the fountain of all righteousness!
[10] And he also talk to Lemuel: Oh that thou mightiest be like to this valley, firm and strong, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord!
[11] Now this he talk because of the stupidness of Laman and Lemuel; for now they did murmur in many things against their old man, because he was a visionary man, and had led them out of the land of Jerusalem, to leave the land of their inheritance, and their gold, and their silver, and their precious things, to perish in the wilderness. And this they said he had done because of the foolish imaginations of his heart.
[12] And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their old man. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.
[13] Neither did they believe that Jerusalem, that great city, could be destroyed according to the words of the prophets. And they were like to the Jews who were at Jerusalem, who sought to take away the life of my old man.
[14] So my old man did speak to them in the valley of Lemuel, with power, being filled with the Spirit, until their frames did shake before him. And he did confound them, that they durst not utter against him; so, they did as he commanded them.
[15] And my old man hung out in his tent.
[16] So I, Nephi, being very much so young, however being very ripped and full of muscle, and also having great desires to know of the oddness of God, So, I did cry to the Lord; and now he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my old man; So, I did not rebel against him like to my brothers.
[17] And I talk to Sam, making known to him the things, which the Lord had manifested to me by his Holy Spirit. So he believed in my words.
[18] But, now, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken to my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried to the Lord for them.
[19] So the Lord talk to me, saying: Good for you are thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart.
[20] And inasmuch as you shall keep my commandments, you shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; you, even a land which I have prepared for you; you, a land which is choice above all other lands.
[21] And inasmuch as thy brothers shall rebel against you, they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.
[22] And inasmuch as thou shalt keep my commandments, thou shalt be made a ruler and a teacher over thy brothers.
[23] For now, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse them even with a sore curse, and they shall have no power over thy seed except they shall rebel against me also.
[24] And if it so be that they rebel against me, they shall be a scourge to thy seed, to stir them up in the ways of remembrance.

Hipster Mormon